Letting Go & Letting God – Names changed due to privacy!

It’s been a struggle, my life that is. I’ve never had family, never had anyone to love me for me, for who I am. Trying to find my way in this world, nothing has come easy for me. I’ve always had to struggle and fight my way thru whatever it is I needed/wanted. It’s hard to believe that you can actually walk thru life without making a difference, without having someone notice you! It’s almost shameful if you ask me. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me am I really that odd, unnoticeable, different?

I mean don’t get me wrong I’ve got wonderful friends but it took half a lifetime it seems to get those really good friends. You know the kind you can tell all your secrets and they still love you dispute your failures and faults. I have a few good friends that I would/could call my family, those that love me for me even though at times I am absolutely crazy, going off the deep end and having panic attacks. (never had panic attacks –however the life I’ve lived so far it’s amazing that I don’t)

I can honestly say it is due to Christ Jesus if it was ‘NOT’ for him rescuing me from a pit of Hell I don’t know if I would be here today smiling in the mist of my turmoils. I am asking my heart is breaking for my 14 year old. I can only fast and pray that he turns his life over to Christ. There is nothing more that I myself can do for him but stay on my face before Christ asking for Him alone to save him from that same pit of Hell that I’ve found myself in so many times.

It all began on wintry nite January 28, 1973 – I Debbie Delores has entered the world. Nothing special of me born to an alcholic father and a mother who’s addicted to crack. (don’t know if she was when I was born, if I remember correctly she met Tom after I was born and began soon after that) Needless to say my folks didn’t stay married for long. I lived with my dad until I was 4 years old, I do remember a lot as a child like when I was three falling down the stairs right after my dad told me to stop playing on the stairs… didn’t listen and ended up falling head first down a long flight of stairs. I remember playing with matching and catching my hair on fire (dad never found out about that). I also remember trying to go to the bathroom at my Uncle Mike’s house after him getting out of the tub, bathroom floor soaking wet and I fell and hit my chin on the edge of the toilet seat. Split my chin right open. Dad calling a cab to take me to the hospital got six sticthes, I remember because I remember crying for my dad to help me as blood pored out of my chin. He just sat there looking at me, I always wondered why he just sat there, doing nothing… came to figure out he just probably didn’t know how to help me or what to do for me!

And just imagine all this happened before I was 4 years old! I remember the day I was taken away from my father. I was told that he was going on vacation and we (my sister and I) weren’t allowed to go with him. I was so confused and angry at the time because I had always been allowed to go with my dad where ever he went. Vanessa and I (my older sister by 1 year) went to live with a friend of the families (which was really odd because we never really met/knew her until we had to live with her) Rhonda Easton she had already had 4 kids of her own and then to take on my sister and I made six. It was a crazy household, very abusive but also very happy times as well. I will always be grateful for Rhonda’s care/love that she has given us. My sister lived with Rhonda and her children for about 6 years. I was 4 years old when I started living with Rhonda and my sister was 5 everyone thought we were twins we looked so much alike. Rhonda was a single parent in the middle of a divorce and then ended up meeting Howard later on down the road. Howard was a very tall man with big strong masculine arms… I instantly fell in love with Howard, he was an awesome man who played the guitar. I was so amazed at the different things he could do with that guitar. We loved it when he could play the theme song to Batman and Robyn. All us kids would dance and jump around acting like we were Batman & Robyn. 

It was here at Rhonda’s house where my sister and I were molested by her two oldest boys. Rhonda had 3 boys and 1 girl. She named all her kids starting with a R her and her ex husbands names started with an R and I guess they wanted to keep it all running in the family.

I remember Rhonda telling the kids that she was going to have a baby. We were all so exited but then soon after that found out that my sister and I were no longer able to live with them anymore. It would mean 7 kids, 7 mouths to feed. Until this day I am not exactly sure what transposed as to why she put my sister and I in an orphanage, it was said that my dad would never come back for us even though he was out of jail. Or if it was just simple she couldn't’t do it anymore! Not sure, I was 10 years old when I ended up at Nazareth group home, it was a catholic place run by a bunch of nuns and volunteers… My sister and I spent almost a year here until we met the Fackler’s, they saw us on TV and in the news paper for adopting kids. Mr. Fackler saw us and came home one day and told his wife he was going to adopt two little girls, handed her the paper and told her these are the two. I guess my adopted mother always felt like my adopted dad had gone behind her back and did this without ever consulting her first. I don’t know if this is why she was so abusive toward us or what the problem was. (I did learn later on down the road that it was jealousy of us that made her abuse us the way she did)

This family is where the majority of our abuse came from… my dad was never around whenever the abuse occurred all though I believe he knew somehow but choose never to do anything about it. Does this make him at fault as well – for the longest time I thought NO but reality says yes it is just as much his fault as it is hers. He knew something was up and we weren’t being treated right and did nothing about it, did nothing to stop it! Maybe he did or tried to but for some strange reason never succeeded don’t know. Mrs. Fackler our mother, abused us physically, mentally and emotionally, however I’ll talk about that another day! Not really feeling up to talking about all that right now!

Moving forward – when I was 16 years old I ran away from home, my sister had already left the house when she was 16 – she also ran off leaving me behind. I remember being so angry with her for leaving me behind. I was only 15 and all I could think of is now I’m going to get all the beatings  However I honestly believe Vanessa ran away for all the wrong reasons, she left to follow after a boys who used her and threw her away like a rag doll. I on the other hand ran off to get away from the abuse. I just couldn't’t take it any longer. I never really thought of running away remembering what happened to Vanessa when she did it and all the commotion it caused. What my mother did to Vanessa scared me!

No instead mine was settle and no one saw it coming! A friend of mine asked me if I was a believer if I knew Jesus as my personal savior. I asked her who Jesus was and when she told me he was God I told her there was no such thing as God. I knew at that point that if there was a God he would not allow me to go thru the abuse that I was going thru if he was such a loving God that my friend was telling me about! Right??? WRONG –boy was I so wrong! I’ve always listened to my friend (out of politeness) while she told me about this so loving God that she serves… She is the one who rescued me from a terrible life I remember showing up at school one day and her asking me if I was serious about leaving home as she started telling me the details as to what we would be doing I was so on board thinking this was my one and only chance to get away!

To make a very long story short I ended up living with my friend and her family. There were 4 boys and I girl (my best friend) total of 5 kids and then there was me which made kid number 6. I found it so hard to believe that a family could be such a loving/happy family and live at complete peace. They didn’t have much but what they had they were proud of and they loved each other most of all. I only wished of having a family that so loving and free that I was almost jealous and that tour me apart on the inside. You see, you have to understand I’m not a jealous person I don’t covet what others have or don’t have. I’ve always been happy with what I had or didn’t have. It’s only until I became pregnant at 17 did I really want to have truly be loved for me, for who I am not me having to pretend to be someone I’m not but just free to be me and still be loved by that special someone!

I’m going to try to make this as short as I can so far I’m not doing too good of a job right now…UGH! I tend to be a little long winded sometimes, but that’s only because I feel like I need folks to understand how I feel and where I am coming from. And this is what has started this whole writing of mine that I’ve got going on here. Letting Go and Letting God – as easy as that is it’s so hard to do for me at times. I tend to hold on to things that I have no control over. Things I should let go and allow God to take control and run with it, things like raising my boys to be respectable strong godly men of God. Or letting go of all the hurts and pains in my life to allow the Lord to help me lose weight instead of being fearful of a man noticing me once I do lose weight and being raped/molested all over again. Letting go and letting God take care of the boys and I, or just simply letting go and letting God do whatever it is in me that he needs to do. I know that I am called to ministry not only called but CHOSEN… you see all are called but only few are chosen. I know that I have been chosen and that I am a ‘powerful’ woman of God, I just have a trust problem that I am trying to Let Go and Let God. I fail miserably all the time trying to work on that. “I know it’s not I who can change that but God himself changing me’.

I’ve made up my mind that I will Let Go and Let God do what it is he needs to do in my to make it in this world until his return. I pray that I will be obedient to His word, His voice and His commands alone. That I will be bold and speak when He tells me to and quite when I’m told to be quite. Lord help me to lean on you daily, every minute, second of the day. I only pray that I will stand strong not quiting in my weary times and on those days when I feel like I just can’t continue to go on that you will send your ministering angels to surround me with supernatural strength and encouragement. So that I may continue the race that you have set before me. In Jesus’ name Amen & Amen….

P.S. more to follow as the days going on. I pray the Lord will give me strength to be able to talk about the things that have happened to me to hopefully encourage others to continue to fight the good fight and lean totally on Christ for all their needs.

It's been a while... I know!

I know it's been a while since I've written I'm sorry so much has been going on it's ridiculous... but I'm back and hopefully will be able to blog at least most of my days... God has been doing so much with the boys and I, I'm so excited to see what he's going to do next.... I'll stay in touch!

Baby :)

My 19 year old texts me to inform me that he and his girl are going to have a baby.... WOW that is exciting. I only wish he would of waited for a little longer... but I am still excited, 'A BABY' I love babies and I pray it is a girl....

About a week later I call him to see how all is going on and found out she miscarried... Awe, my heart had sanked... I pray she is doing well and that they both will be alright during this hard times... I love you Robert, stay well and I'll talk with you soon....

Psalm 30:5

"Weeping may last through the night,but joy comes with the morning."

CRASHED!!!

Okay so my hardrive crashed and I lost EVERYTHING!!! I know, I know, I should of back it up right!!! Well I didn't I only saved some things oh, well nothing like starting all over again right...LOL

It's been a while...I know!!

Okay so it's been a while since the laste time I've blogged anything.... I've been so busy that it stinks sometimes... So in thinking and realizing that I've decided to step back and take care of my kids.
I've always done something/everything for everyone else including my kids :) who I lvoe dearly. But I need to spend time with them and raise them the best way I know how with God's help. It's hard as hell being a single parent now a days. But the world isn't getting any better and it's best that I pay attention to them now before it's to late right :)

Anyways just jibber jabbering on about nothing tonite I guess....

Merry Christmas!!!

It's Christmas Eve, looking forward to spending time with my boys... Robert came to visit Monday nite.... it was a good time he spent the nite and we just had a grand old time. Boy I miss him already.

It'll just be TJ, Ro & I. I think my sister wants to come over Christmas day but that's just to do laundry... oh, well.... This year has been kind of ruff for the boys and I and I'm gladd to see it go; knowing that the New Year is going to bring something wonderful into our lives. I believe it 'cause Jesus spoke it...

with all our love,
McCree Family :)